Never compare a kiss to firewhisky
by xTractx
Summary: Woman are complex creatures and Harry gives James some wise words of wisdom about them.  But things do not end up the way Harry wanted it too.


**Author's** **Note: Warning: Entirely random and weird Sorry, Harry's a little OC but that's what makes it funny right?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of J.K Rowling's works and this includes Harry Potter.**

"Um, Dad how do you get someone to kiss you?"

Harry looked around so quickly at his oldest son that his neck almost cracked "_What?"_

James looked at the floor, suddenly finding an ant quite interesting. "H-how do you get someone to kiss you?"

Harry blinked once. Then twice. Then an evil smile that would shame Voldemort stretched across his face.

"James, I was the Boy-Who-Lived so naturally I was chased by girl's in every corridor. I could just snap my fingers," Harry snapped his fingers to emphasis his point, "And _BAM!_ there's a girl right in front of me waiting with puckered lips."

James blushed, "But dad _I'm_ not the Boy-Who-Lived so how do I get someone to kiss me?"

"Ahh James…." Harry ruffled his son's hair. "James women are complex creatures, more complex then you and I combined. Why, Hermione even told Ron that he had an emotion range of a teaspoon!" Harry laughed. James just stared which gave Harry the warning to get right to the point.

"Right- well what you have to understand is that because women are so complex you have to plan it out exactly right. You see, on my first kiss we were under a mistletoe and-"

"You and mom first kissed below a mistletoe?"

"Well no- that was Cho-"

"Cho? Who's that?"

"Some Asian chick, but anyways back to the topic- the mistletoe-"

Harry groaned when James interrupted yet again, "You actually planned a mistletoe to be straight above you and that Cho girl?"

"Actually no Dobby put it up-"

"Dobby? That house elf that-"

"Argh stop interrupting James!" Harry breathed in slowly to prevent himself from strangling his eldest son. He needed the family name to thrive again anyways.

"So," Harry started slowly, "as I was saying. Cho and I kissed under the mistletoe which was a quick, easy, and effective plan if I may say."

"How- if you don't mind me asking- how did it feel?"

Harry considered for a moment, "Wet,"

"Eew! Like a dog slobbering your lips?"

"No!" Harry yelled, "She was fine at kissing! She was just crying,"

James eyes widened, "Oh so it was _you_ who was the bad kisser wasn't it dad?" James snickered, "The Chosen-One wasn't too good at kissing eh was he?"

"I didn't mean it like that!" Harry grit his teeth together, "I told you before, woman are complex creatures you always have to have that in mind-!"

"But-"

"SSSHHHH!" Harry put his hand over James' mouth. He slowly retreated his hand. James was silent and Harry sighed contentedly.

"Wow," James muttered, "Kissing sound really hard."

"Yup, it's pretty hard work."

"What's hard work?" Ginny was at the door.

James smiled innocently and said, "Kissing you," before Harry could stop him.

Ginny rounded on her husband, "WHAT? You think kissing is work? HARD work?"

"No I-"

"I don't know how you could say that!"

"Ginny-"

"You think I'm a bad kisser? Well, you're wrong because kissing you is as bad as cleaning the toilet!"

"But Ginny-!"

"Wait I take that back, it's as bad as when we had to change James' diapers," Ginny said smugly.

"Was it really that bad changing my diapers?" James raised an eyebrow.

"The very worst. You pooped so much I was worrying whether we were giving you too much fiber or something."

"Ew," said James.

"Ew indeed," Ginny agreed.

Harry just looked miserable. Finally he found an opening,

"No Ginny I was talking about Cho-"

"Oh so you didn't want to tell James about us kissing you just cherish kissing that smartass _Cho_!"

"Ginny you know I don't think that! You taste even better than firewhisky-!"

Ginny was turning red as if she was going to explode, "FIREWHISKY! You dare compare me to firewhisky?"

"Love I-"

"That's it!" Ginny threw her hands in the air, "Harry James Potter you will not have sex with me for _years_!"

"Bloody hell, Ginny please don't!"

But Ginny already left.

Harry and James sat in a stunned silence.

"Oh gosh how often do you and mom and sex?" James' eyes were the size of golf balls.

"James I think that's enough questions for today."

"Wow, Dad, you just taught me what _not_ to do! When kissing _and _pleasing woman! Man, you suck!" the last part blurted out of his mouth before he could stop it and he quickly put his hand over his mouth.

"Dad I'm sorry-"

"SSHHHH! James, just shhhhh."

James took this opportunity to leave and Harry was left to mourn in despair.

Author's Note: Haha thought of this randomly and thought to write it down


End file.
